Growing Pains

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It wasn’t when I kissed my baby and gave him back to God that inspired me. It wasn’t when he threw a glass of wine in my face or refused to pay for half of the doctor bills or the baby’s funeral that the light came on.

It wasn’t – when, I moved out of that leaky cold $750 apartment into a place with lower rent in a nicer neighborhood or when I lost it all, got evicted, was forced to turn my back on that bridge and everyone on the other side of it that I became inspired, either.

I had nothing but the clothes on my back, the ones in the hamper, some papers I’d managed to save by stuffing them into a fake Louis Vuitton purse with worn handles, and two pairs of shoes. As my best friend drove me across the Holmes Bridge to my new life in the unknown, I had time to reflect. I could see every bad decision I’d made and how they led me here.

I wished I could go back and pay the rent I wore to the party. I wish I wouldn’t have pretended to be able to afford all of those drinks at the bar or the outfit for my home girl. I’d blown about eighteen hundred dollars and managed to miss every bill. Nothing was paid. That was the mistake.

I woke up to the sheriff and the handyman knocking at my door. It was over. My life had fallen apart.

Were these the kind of seeds I’d sown? The rough tough, but honest answer was – YES. I did this. I’d know hurt all my life. I grew used to ridicule and didn’t know how to accept a compliment. I was a mess. I couldn’t explain my reason for being alive anymore. This was the consequence.

I was lost.

We met my sister in a town about an hour away. I stood there and fought back tears as we moved everything I owned from one trunk to the other. I was at rock bottom. I was ashamed and embarrassed. Things had finally fallen apart. I was homeless, my car had been repossessed and I was sleeping on my baby sister’s couch.

I couldn’t take a bottle of sleeping pills or slit my wrists. I refused to let these lessons be for naught. I was here. I would be better. I would be the woman God created me to be. I had nothing. I had to start from here and I would.  These growing pains would not kill me.

I had nothing, but finally, something was different.

I had a love in me – something new. It was an unfamiliar feeling. I didn’t even understand it at first. It was a love for something new – uncharted and strange. It was a love for – self. I realized for the first time, why I suffered.

I’d never known how to love myself. I never felt worthy of the love of others and always tried to buy it and didn’t even have the sense to make sure I had shelter in the process. I had been a fool. I was finally willing to accept it. I wasn’t lying to myself anymore. I was happy. I was inspired by my pain. I had learned Karma’s lesson and it was time to move on.

That was three years ago.

Now I can accept it when someone tells me how nice I am or how big my heart is; without crying. The day I lost everything was the day I gained it all!!

That is the day I was inspired.

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